


All I've Ever Known

by orphicsheep



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Bonding, Confessions, Developing Relationship, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Reunions, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-19
Updated: 2019-11-19
Packaged: 2021-02-08 01:35:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21467902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphicsheep/pseuds/orphicsheep
Summary: The M9 need help rescuing Yasha. Caleb has one too many close calls with death. Essek decides to keep him close.
Relationships: Caleb Widogast & Yasha, Essek Thelyss & Caleb Widogast, Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 7
Kudos: 265





	All I've Ever Known

**Author's Note:**

> I had a wild and crazy fantasy where the Nein actually call Essek and tell him what's going on.  
Also I miss Essek and Yasha and that's my only justification for any of this.
> 
> _(Takes place after episode 85 so there may be spoilers if you're not caught up!)_

_He takes you for granted. He doesn't care, not really. If he cared, he wouldn't disappear for two months, without a word. _

Caleb called him a friend once. 'Friends' don't do that, do they? They don't run when you need them most, without warning. They don't disappear off the face of the planet without telling you first.

_How suspicious that looks, how dangerous. As if it wasn't hard enough defending them when they run half-way around the world chasing magic swords and dragon for Luxon knows what end. Unless... he's imprisoned somewhere, and can't escape. Unless he's dead. _

The way he and his friends live, that possibility should not have surprised him. They risk their lives every day. But it upset him more than he thought it would, more than it should, the thought he might never see the Mighty Nein again. Might never see Caleb.

As exhausting as they could be, at times, as infuriating... he did enjoy having them around. A breath of fresh air, a source of light and life and hope, in a world increasingly devoid of light and life and hope. He taught Caleb spells, and teleported them into blizzards and swamps, because he believed in them, in what they were doing, in their mad plan to stop this war.

It didn't hurt that they were fun company. He welcomed the distraction they provided from his work and research, which had slowly become his whole life, so slowly he did not notice until it was too late, and it had chased away friends, and eaten up all his time.

They had also managed to succeed where the best soldiers in the Dynasty had failed. They had managed to reclaim and deliver a Beacon to the Dynasty. They had managed to trick an Ancient Dragon, defy a God. But whatever they were up against now was far bigger than them. Bigger than anyone in the Dynasty was willing to accept, when he brought them news from the Nein about this 'assassin of Lolth,' and assorted champions of the Betrayer Gods being brought back to life.

The Bright Queen was beginning to doubt the Nein's loyalty. Far too long had passed before they had brought her anything useful about the war effort, about the Empire. She was running out of patience. She was growing more suspicious by the day. Their absence only made things worse. Try as Essek might to make her see they only wanted to help... it became harder and harder to justify their actions in their continued absence. As much as he wished to turn her attention away from the war, he knew his own position in the Dynasty was becoming increasingly... delicate.

He had never supported this war, never wanted it, but he kept his opinions to himself, and his head down, and followed orders, because he was loyal to his people, because despite their differences, he believed in the end, perhaps naively, that his Queen would always do what was right. She was more than just a monarch, after all, she was an _umavi,_ a 'perfect soul,' who had led several lives. Other rulers could perhaps brag about their rich ancestry, great deeds accomplished by their ancestors, but she had, herself, led their people away from the worship of Lolth, and brought the Luxon, and its beacon, to their people.

How could he question _her _authority? How could he cast doubt on her judgment? So he kept his doubts, and fears, to himself... until the Nein found evidence that perhaps the _umavi_ was mistaken, and the real threat was not the Empire, but unseen antagonists, who orchestrated this war to distract both nations from the real threat. What form that 'threat' took, he was not yet sure, but he had already sent spies to infiltrate a cult for the Angel of Irons, and was waiting impatiently for them to report back.

If he was not careful, he knew he would get a knife in the back for speaking out against the war. He believed the Nein, when they insisted there were traitors among them, high-ranking officials, people in positions of power. But he still felt powerless to stop them, to root them out, and it made him feel so alone, to know there was no one he could turn to, speak to, in the Dynasty, that he trusted, now that the only people he _did_ trust had vanished out of his life like a ghost, like a dream.

  
☆☆☆

  
_ "Message Essek!"_ Caleb snapped, firmly, without looking back. The others tried to argue with him, tried to remind him that they weren't sure the Dynasty could be trusted, let alone Essek. Caleb wasn't having any of it.

This wasn't about the war anymore, or their petty allegiances and rivalries. This wasn't _personal._ This was a matter of life or death for thousands. This was keeping the Oblivion_ chained._

"I don't care. Message him. Those are Dynasty soldiers. He can probably recall them, if he knows this is only a diversion. Then all we have to worry about is Obann and company."

They could not afford to fail, not when this might be their last and only chance to save Yasha. He wasn't going to let her down again. He couldn't.

He clambered onto the back of the gryphon Caduceus was holding for him, then helped Nott on after him. She already had her crossbow out and ready. They had stolen the creature from one of the Crownsguard, but there was no mistaking _them _for Crownsguard. If needed, he could always cast seeming or disguise self, so he looked the part, but he didn't think it would come to that. Their relationship with the Dynasty was tenuous enough without them turning their weapons on Kryn soldiers, even if only in self-defense.

He waited for confirmation from Jester that, yes, she _would_ message him before gathering up the reins, and running a hand over the gryphon's neck, hoping to calm her down before they took flight.

_["Hey Essek! We're in Rexxentrum. Obann is here and he's trying to break a chain holding Thariz-dune. Can you call away your soldiers, please?"]_

_ ["Jester, where have you been?! Is Caleb there? Are you in danger? I will do what I can... Tharizdun? You mean the god?"]_

_["We're in a hurry! The fighting's supposed to distract everyone while Oban tries to bring back the Betrayer Gods. Please, we need you!"]_

There was no reply at first.

Then, muffled: _["Where exactly are you? I will leave at once."]_

_["Rexxentrum. Roof of the Cobalt Soul Archive. Do you know where that is? It is near a big Spire... are you really coming?"]_

No answer.

"Guys, I think he's on his way!" She called out across the rooftop, at the others, cupping her hands so her voice would carry.

Essek appeared a few minutes later, looking winded. He had never teleported so far before.

He took in his surroundings, the dark, crumbing skies, the raging storm.

He saw the Nein, armed and ready to spring into action, heard the cry of gryphons and shouting below. They were very high up.

"It is too late to call back the soldiers, but if someone could take me to them... and explain what is going on... I might be able to stop them."

"If the cultists succeed in breaking a chain, they will blame it on the Dynasty," Caleb said, the first to speak.

Everyone had been waiting for him to speak. He was always the one they sent to speak to Essek.

_"Caleb,"_ Essek murmurred in surprise, swiveling around to face him. "You're alive!"

He did not think he would be so happy to see him, did not think his heart would constrict at the sight of him.

"I can take you to the fighting. Nott, can you ride with Beau?"

Nott jumped down, already a few steps ahead of him.

"Stay safe!" She called after him, without looking back, as she raced over to Beau's side.

Essek tentatively edged forward, approaching the animal. He gingerly extended a hand to stroke its neck, an odd mess of feathers and fur, that nevertheless seemed as elegant and dignified as they seemed ferocious. Then Caleb took his arm, helped him up and over its back. It took him a moment to get his balance, and his hands snaked their way around Caleb's midsection when he threatened to slide off, catching himself. He had seen these creatures before, from a distance, but he had no idea how large they were.

"Have you ridden a gryphon before?" Caleb asked, looking over his shoulder with a faint smile.

Essek shook his head. "No. Have you?"

Caleb shook his head, grin widening.

Essek swore under his breath in Undercommon.

_"Hold on!"_ Caleb shouted, edging the gryphon on towards the edge of the roof, reins in hand. Once she got to the edge, the gryphon propelled herself into the air, then stretched out her wings.

The moment they left solid ground, Essek wove his arms around Caleb's waist more tightly, holding his eyes closed until they slid into a comfortable glide across the sky. He _had _flown before, but this was still... a new experience. He would have, perhaps, enjoyed it, if he did not remember why they were there.

"So. Tharizdun?" Essek began, conversationally, once he decided Caleb knew, more or less, what he was doing, and they were not going to plummet to their deaths immediately.

"They are disguising themselves as the Angel of Irons and trying to convince their cultists to release them."

Essek sighed. "So you have been busy while you were away, I take it?"

"I'm sorry," Caleb replied, far too quickly.

It made Essek hesitate, stutter. "You're... sorry? Whatever for?"

"For disappearing. We were trapped in another dimension where time passes differently. Have you heard of the Folding Halls of Halas?"

He would_ definitely_ have to ask him about that. Later. He made a mental note to file it away under: _things to talk to Caleb about. _It was a very large folder. He never got around to opening it. He was afraid he wouldn't like the answers.

"Why should you apologise for that?" Essek asked, still perplexed. It was one thing to be ignored outright, quite another to be ignored because they were imprisoned in another dimension. He was quite happy to accept that explanation. It meant it wasn't personal.

"The way we left... we said we would keep in touch, then... nothing. It wasn't fair on you, especially after all that talk of traitors and double agents. If I had known... I wouldn't have left things like that."

Essek raised a brow, looked Caleb over, curiously, couldn't help himself. "Oh? How would you have left things?"

Caleb turned his head away. His eyes scanned the city beneath them.

"If we survive the night, I'll show you."

He sounded so... confident, so sure. Essek did not know what to make of his new found confidence, had no idea what it was he intended to show him, all he knew was that he stopped minding the cold and the rain and the towering heights so much.

There was no time to question the warmth which stole over him because he had to prepare spells. There was no time to argue with Caleb, or himself, about propriety, and the... uniqueness of their current situation, and how dangerous it would be to take it any further.

Besides, it was hard to discuss a need for more boundaries and professionalism when he had his arms around his waist and was holding on for dear life as they climbed higher through the sky, all so Caleb could get a clearer view of the city streets that spread out like a maze below them.

Caleb seemed at home in the sky, and so much happier among the clouds than he ever looked on solid ground.

Essek would have to ask him about that one day.

☆☆☆

It wasn't hard killing Obann. All you had to do was hold him. He liked to cheat and bend the rules, planeshifting and teleporting and calling on help from other realms in a crisis. But once you caught him... he was helpless. So they caught him. Essek tried to interrogate him, tried to ask him about Tharizdun's plans, but apparently he believed, like so many, that Tharizdun _was_ the Angel of Irons. So Essek killed him, while the Nein finished off what was left of his Champions. As soon as Obann was gone for good, and not simply banished to another plane, his connection with Yasha broke. All it took was a quick restoration to bring her back to them, but she was still shaken, reeling.

Jester, Beau, and Caleb were in tears as they embraced their friend. Fjord and Caduceus joined them. Fjord asked for her sword and she gave it up,_ 'The Magician's Judge,'_ an extremely powerful weapon for killing mages. It made Essek lock up, when he first saw it, when he realised what it was capable of. When he saw her turn it against Caleb. But he was too busy fighting Obann to run to his side, to intervene, as if it would do any good, as if she could not dispel his magic just as easily. Turns out, he was right to keep at Obann. Stopping him was the only way to release his hold over her.

Breathless and bloody and bruised he joined the others, but held back and kept a respectful distance as he watched their reunion. While he may have liked calling them his friends, he knew he was not part of this. It was a private moment. He did not want to interrupt. They were her friends. He hardly knew the woman. What little he did know was followed by question marks. Xhorhassian by birth, but wouldn't name her tribe. Seemingly human, but he had his doubts.

Protocol would insist, of course, that Yasha be kept in holding for a few days, weeks, perhaps even months to ensure she was completely free from the influence of this devil and his cohorts. To ensure it was safe to have her wandering the streets, to ensure she would not relapse at a word and once more become a threat to those she loved and to the Dynasty.

But they were not in the Dynasty. For now, it could be ignored. He turned from the Nein and gave orders to some Kryn soldiers, awaiting instruction, to retreat. The real enemy had been stopped. Tharizdun's chain in Rexxentrum was still in place. Everything would soon be over. Balance restored. He was not looking forward to talking to his Queen about this. '_Why did you send away soldiers when the Empire was at its weakest, and its forces distracted? Why did you act against this Obann without first consulting me?'_ He was already going over, in his head, what his 'official response' would be, and dreading the paperwork which would naturally result from the carnage they left in their wake.

"Wait, before you go!" He heard a familiar voice cry, and turned around to see Nott and Jester running over to meet him. He raised a brow expectantly. He had, of late, grown more suspicious of the little blue tiefling who was forever messaging him. She seemed so innocent, so harmless, at first glance, but now he had seen her in battle. In combat, she was a force of nature, full of power and fury, not like any cleric of Luxon he had ever seen. The clerics he knew usually stayed on the sidelines and fought from afar; she raced in like a bolt of lightning, the minute fighting broke out, and made the first strike.

"We wanted to say thank you!" Jester said, a little out of breath from running, fighting. She had earned her share of bruises and scars.

Suddenly self-conscious about his own appearance, he ran a hand through his hair, only to notice blood come away. That threw him, but only for a moment. He knew Caduceus would heal him if he asked nicely.

"You have no need, I was simply doing my job. With Obann gone, that means one less threat to the Dynasty. As for keeping Tharizdun at bay... well, that benefits everyone." He could not imagine who would win if the Chained Oblivion were released, apart from, perhaps, denizens of the abyssal plane, who would naturally follow them into this one. _A grim thought._

"But you didn't have to come all this way into enemy territory! We just wanted you to know we're very grateful," the little goblin in the yellow dress insisted. He looked past her at Caleb, who had an arm slung around Yasha's shoulder, now. Beau gave her a reassuring pat on the back, also helping to hold her up. She was two heavy for just one of them.

_"Cay-leb_ is grateful, too!" Jester added, confidentially, moving rather closer than Essek would have liked.

His eyes quickly darted back, narrowed. She knew he was infatuated with their wizard, and he knew that she knew. She had sat in on their lessons, delivered messages under their prompting, acted as a go between. She had been there when he killed that Scourger and lost his temper with those guards. She had been there for that unfortunate scene in the Lotus Den. She could not help but notice Caleb was becoming more important to him, was becoming a weakness he could not afford to have, but could not bear to live without. He didn't particularly enjoy this fact, or the way she teased him about it every chance she got. Still, he managed to force a smile.

He wanted to say his contribution to the battle was nothing, but he was still winded, and running low on spell slots. He could not teleport today, and flying all the way back to Rosohna did not sound... _ideal._

"Anything for you, my friends. But I am not sure I can return so easily. Is there somewhere quiet I might go to trance for a few hours?" He asked, looking between them. He did not want to stay behind, but... he was not in any hurry to return to the capitol, either. He was still waiting for that explanation he'd been promised.

"Oh, absolutely, sure!" Jester took him by the arm and dragged him over to join the rest of the group. No one in Rosohna would have had the audacity to touch him without first asking permission, let alone dragging him forcefully across a rooftop, but because it was Jester... he let it pass without comment.

"Essek needs to stay with us until he gets his spells back. Beau, do you know some place he can stay?" She asked.

"There's... my rooms in the Cobalt Soul, yeah, it just might be a little crowded with all of us."

She looked around at the others, but no one protested.

Caleb was staring at him intently. Essek was not sure what that meant, he just knew it meant _something._

He offered a frail smile in return, noticing Caleb was also wounded. Badly. Caleb blinked a few times, then looked away.

"I will be as quiet as a mouse. I only need to trance for a few hours," he answered Beau.

Caduceus walked over to examine his wounds, asked permission before healing him. _Why aren't you healing Caleb?! He needs it more than I do,_ he wanted to shout. He barely felt his wounds.

"Alright, you can join us. Just maybe... can you go invisible? They might get scared and fire a few bolts if they think we're bringing a Kryn soldier into the Archives."

"I can polymorph you into a sparrow!" Jester volunteered, elbowing him in the ribs when she reappeared by his side. He winced a little. "So can_ Cay-leb."_

He was beginning to regret referring to them as 'friends.' He snapped his fingers for effect, mumbled a few words, and vanished from sight.

_"Voila!"_

Jester and Nott clapped, approvingly.

Caduceus pulled Caleb aside and healed him, then Yasha, before they gathered up their things and went inside the Archives.

Beau naturally led the way. He was impressed with how much she had grown in the last months. Out of all of them, she seemed the most changed. Apparently she was an 'Expositor' now. He wondered whether or not he should include that in his report, before they came to the teleportation circle, and he felt Caleb's hand feel blindly through the air to find his before he activated the circle. Essek said nothing. As soon as they arrived in Zadash, he let go.

Beauregard's rooms were more spacious than he had imagined. With a few pillows and blankets scattered about the floor, there was room enough for everyone. It had been a long time since the Shadowhand of the Kryn Dynasty had recourse to sleep on the floor, but he did not complain, simply found a quiet corner where he could trance for a few hours, then leave, without waking the others.

Caleb made his bed near the door, and took pains to set up a protective circle around the group with magic thread. He really did love his friends, didn't he? The goblin asked to sleep beside him but he told her he had work to do, and she should instead keep close to Yasha, who would likely welcome the company. Fjord and Caduceus were on the far side of the room, near the windows. Beau and Jester were together, because they always were, but Jester refused to go to bed until she knew Yasha felt comfortable and safe enough to sleep.

It was... heartening, to see them like this. They were so close, so invested in each other's welfare, so protective of one another. He had never encountered mercenaries such as these in his life. He wondered how the Bright Queen could suspect them of being traitors, if she saw them like this, how anyone could.

Once he began to feel safe enough to lower his guard, taking encouragement from Caleb's protective circle, he closed his eyes and fell into a trance, fully expecting to leave the moment he had completed his ritual, but when he returned to full consciousness, he found Caleb awake, engaged in a ritual of his own. He was still identifying a few objects the party had managed to recover from the Chantry and trying to determine whether they were magical or divine.

Essek tried to walk by, without disturbing his ritual, but either it reached a natural conclusion just in time or he gave up of his own accord before Essek could turn the handle of the door. He stood up from the floor, where he had been sitting cross-legged.

"May we talk for a moment?" He asked so softly, so gently, Essek could hardly refuse.

"Of course."

Caleb walked over, pointed at the door, and Essek opened it. They slipped outside, and Caleb lightly touched his shoulder before leading him deeper into the Archives. It was dark now, dark and silent. Once they were inside he lit a few candles.

"Did you... want to talk about what happened?" Essek tried, breaking the silence. He had no idea why Caleb had stolen him away from the others, or what he thought they should speak of which was so important the conversation could not wait until they returned to Rosohna, but he assumed it was important. Caleb wouldn't waste his time.

"I owe you an explanation, don't I?" He said with a heavy sigh.

Essek's tension eased. He raised himself up to full height. He was not altogether sure what he was afraid of, but it wasn't this.

"I have come to expect the unexpected of you and your friends. But I admit I was surprised to hear you had gone all the way to Rexxentrum. A dangerous step, for known defectors, especially now we have all but confirmed there is a double agent among them who would likely recognise your party."

"I hate it here. If I had my way, I'd never come back." He was glowering now at some point in the middle distance.

_Oh, so now we're opening up. Now we're going to talk about the past, about feelings, all the things we aren't allowed to in Rosohna. Fun.  
_

"Why... not?" Essek asked, tentatively, knowing Caleb's statement was a leading one, and this was the reply expected of him.

He had made a point of not asking Caleb about his past, not pressing him, because he knew how it would look if he asked. It would seem like he was fishing for information. Caleb might even feel compelled, because he taught him a few spells, to tell him more than he wanted to, and resent him afterwards. Essek did not want that. He just wanted Caleb to trust him enough that he would tell him these things of his own accord, when he felt ready.

"This is my past. _He_ lives here. So does Astrid. Maybe Eodwulf. Trent Ikithon. The one who made me. Just like he 'made' that Scourger in the cell."

He pawed self-consciously at his scarred arms.

Essek nodded slowly. He had heard the name before. He could have also sworn he had overheard him mumbling something about Astrid. Another Scourger. So many Scourgers. _What a dark life you've led, Caleb Widogast._

"I have heard of this man. I am not surprised he is the one who hurt you. We think he is responsible for stealing away children born in proximity of a Beacon, and raising them to be Empire soldiers, altering their memories so even after amnesis they know no other life."

"He trained me to be an assassin when I was only fifteen. He trained me to kill traitors without hesitation. He put residuum in my arms. He cut us up and ignored our screams. Oh, I wanted this—do not doubt that, under his tutelage I would have done anything, taken any risk, for more power! But I wanted it because he wanted me to want it, because I am what he made me, and part of me will always be, and it sickens me."

"Caleb, you are_ not_ what he made you..." Essek insisted. He wanted to reach out, comfort him... but that felt too much like crossing a line. 

"What happened to Widogast?" Caleb asked, cutting him off.  
  
He hadn't expected that. Not now. They had just fought a devil together, to stop cultists from awakening an incredibly powerful and evil deity. They had just slept in the same room, on the same floor. Caleb was the one who dragged him out here, in the middle of the night, to confide in him what was, surely, one of his deepest, darkest, secrets. Why would they revert, now, to formality? Where was the sense in that?

"We are friends, now. You said so yourself. I thought..." Essek stammered out, uncertain.

"No, it's alright. You may call me Caleb. Go on," Caleb responded flatly.  
  
It took Essek a moment to find his voice again. He did not sound... upset, really, just curious. That was good. He was so afraid of crossing that line, of upsetting Caleb, of being cast off. Of losing him. No more lessons. No more stolen glances across the room. No more chance encounters. He knew it might never go further, given his position, and Caleb's... precarious place within the Dynasty, but this was enough. Being near him was enough. Hearing his voice, listening to him, trading spells... was enough.

He cleared his throat, eyes downcast, and pushed those thoughts aside.

"It is hard to resist the allure of power for any mage who devotes their life to the study of the arcane. But you are not to blame, it was _he_ who willed you down this path. You were too young to know what you were doing. But you are free, now. That is what is important, that is what you should focus on: what you do with your freedom, which was so hard won."

"That is what I told myself, before, but... people died because of me. My own parents died because of me. I don't like what I have become, since knowing him. I don't know if the good I do now, with my friends here, will ever be enough to forgive the bad I have done in the past, but... I must do something. And one day... I will have revenge."

His voice was trembling a little. So were his hands. Essek wanted so badly to reach out and steady them, but he remembered his position, and checked himself.

"Do you wish to kill this man?" He asked, instead, trying his hardest to keep his voice level and free from emotion.

"Yes."

"I can help you."

"Why?"

"He is a threat to the Dynasty. He is a threat to _you._ The world would be a better place without him." How many reasons did he need?

"I cannot ask you to do this for me, to put yourself in danger... you have already killed one assassin for me, this is too much..."

"Why would you tell me this man hurt you, if you did not want me to be angry? To retaliate?" Essek asked, pressing forward.

Caleb looked up, met his eyes. They were almost all black now, the room was so dark. There was only the faintest glimpse of blue ringing the outsides, like a solar eclipse. He looked... surprised.

"Essek, I..." he began, or started to. Essek cut him off. He wasn't finished yet.

"While there is still breath in my body, no one will hurt you, Caleb Widogast. That is my promise."

Caleb frowned, looking him over. Essek wondered how well he could see him in the half-light. Wondered whether he looked more drow or ghost.

"Why are you doing this?" He asked, voice no longer wavering. He could see Essek now, really see him, hear the desperation in his voice, the pain.

He knew he meant his promise. He didn't make them sparingly.

"Does it matter?" Essek asked, trying to smile, to take the edge off his words, off this moment.

Caleb straightened up from where he stood, his back leaning against a shelf of books, just below a window. He moved forward, closer to Essek, and into the light of a candle. Paradoxically, this made him harder for Essek to see. His impeccable night vision was dulled by the dancing light of the candle. It all blended together, now: Caleb's red hair, his eyes, the purple of his clothes, the scar curving down his face,the red of his lips, the flame. An abstract painting. A work of art. He looked more elemental than human.

"Ja, it sounds pretty fucking important, if the Shadowhand of the Kryn Dynasty is willing to risk his life for a piece of Empire scum like me! What do you get out of this?!" Caleb asked, barely holding down a nervous laugh. He tugged at his sleeves for warmth.

He was cold. He wasn't wearing his usual coat and scarf. The observation struck Essek so hard it made him forget his question. He wished he had a coat to give him, or gloves, or... _something._ Then it stuck him how ridiculous it was to be worried about him catching cold when only a few short hours ago he thought he and his friends were probably lying dead in some ditch.

"I don't have many students. I don't have many friends, either," he admitted with a faint smile, lowering his eyes. "But I care about you. I don't want you to die. Do I need a better reason?"

Caleb was studying him closely now, ringing his hands together. Essek's lips twitched. He took too long to respond, and Essek had said too much. This wasn't personal. He wasn't supposed to make it personal. He was already breaking his own rules.

"No. I just... wanted to know. If there is any way I could repay you..."

Essek had been afraid of this. He stifled a sigh.

"That's not what this is about. I don't want that. I don't..." Essek brought a hand up to his temple, covered half his face, tried to order his thoughts. "I overheard you and your friends muttering in the Lotus Den. Jester tried to goad you into kissing me, right before you took my arm. I knew it was just to get another teleport. And I know... how it must look, my teaching you spells, asking for favours, giving you gifts, but I don't _want_ that, this isn't... a transaction... and I don't appreciate the way you and your friends have been using my feelings for you against me. I don't _need_ payment. All I require is your friendship and your trust, but... I don't want that unless it is readily given."

"You thought I was... using you?" Caleb echoed, looking sincerely mystified. Or maybe he was just a good actor.

Essek knew that his weakness for Caleb blindsided him, made him want to trust him even when all his training, and all his experience, told him he should not. But that same instinct is what kept him believing in the Nein, when they disappeared for six weeks. He hadn't been wrong, then.

"What else could I think?! It took needing a second teleport for you to... to... and it was _nothing!" _They had been playing this game for so long that it _felt _like so much more than it was. The casual flirting had gone on for months, without either party making a move, so that such a simple gesture felt significant, shattering. But it wasn't like he kissed him. He could have kissed him, like Jester suggested. He could have tried to seduce his way to a second teleport. Knowing the effect Caleb had on him... it might have even worked. He would have been angry, afterwards, sure, but... at least he wouldn't be left with this burning, all-devouring need, like a fire, which twisted his insides into knots. At least he would know what it was like, so he could stop dreaming, stop putting Caleb on a pedestal. "You threw me a bone and thought I'd be happy, which means you _knew_ how much I wanted this; wanted _you."_

He resented being used almost as much as he resented himself, for allowing Caleb to use him. For falling for it. It hadn't _just_ been the way he held his arm, it was the way he lowered his eyes, so serenely, and his voice, as he asked for forgiveness, for leniency. The way he smiled.

"I wasn't _thinking_ at all!" Caleb exclaimed, running both hands through his hair as if they were claws. "It wasn't... premeditated. When you pulled away, I thought it was because I went too far, or maybe... I was reading too much into all the... the back-and-forth. I should have waited until we were alone, and there was no teleport on the line and no audience, so you could _know_ I meant it, but... I can honestly say all I wanted to do, in that moment, was calm you down. You looked so unhappy, so upset, I thought... it might help, to know you were not alone, to know you had people who cared about you, to know _I_ cared. Maybe it was vain of me."

Essek trailed his teeth across his lower lip. _So I care about you, and you care about me, but we are both such fools neither of us could muster the nerve to say so? _That was rich. He still didn't know what to do with this information. It should have changed everything, but it didn't. He was still the Shadowhand. Caleb was still from the Empire, and an ex-Scourger.

"There are better ways to keep my mind off my work," he replied, a little tersely.

"Are there? We will have to explore them one day." He was smiling now.

He rather liked the way Caleb smiled. But he wasn't finished.

"Caleb, _please._ We were talking about_ you."_

"Am I not allowed to be upset and want a diversion? Is that a privilege reserved for Shadowhands?"

"I have no interest in being your diversion, Caleb. I may not know your entire history, but I know you are upset about coming here, about reconnecting with your past and people from it... and I want to make one thing clear to you: I would rather be nothing to you than be someone you only come to when you need a distraction." He wasn't going to risk his career, and his reputation, and quite possibly his life, just to be a 'diversion.' He wasn't that desperate, and Caleb wasn't that pretty.

"What do you want to be?"

"Your friend, first."

"I have friends. I wouldn't mind one more. But I don't feel the same way about them."

Caleb moved a step closer. Essek sighed and looked away, taking a step back. This was spiralling. They were spiralling. Why couldn't Caleb speak plainly? Why couldn't he? _Because I am terrified, I am scared to death, I am nearly a century older than him and so much more powerful and still I am afraid of what he can do to me, with a look, a word. Because I have gone so long without getting close to anyone, without getting my heart broken, and I don't want to start now._

"We are both grown adults, I think we can work this out rationally..."

"Really? You think I haven't tried talking myself out of wanting you? Haven't told myself, a hundred times, all the reasons why I shouldn't trust you? There is a war going on, we may all be in danger, I shouldn't waste my time trying so hard to make you see me!" Caleb nearly mentioned_ dreams_. The dreams had been bad lately. They just reminded him how impossible the reality was. "But It doesn't work. I can't help it. I would do anything to make you see me."

"Caleb, I..." Essek started, but Caleb quickly cut him off.

"Everything could be so simple if you would just _let it_ _be simple!_ But I know you're the Shadowhand and I am nothing, I have no right to... to..."

"Once this is over, come to me. I can't trust this is you speaking now, and not the adrenaline." Caleb started turning away, but Essek moved forward and stopped his arm in the same moment. "But you are _not_ nothing, Caleb. You brought us back our Beacon, our hope, our survival! You are a Hero of the Dynasty, even if some among our council forget this. You have fought dragons, resisted tyrants, survived encounters with all sorts of horrors, and now you are going to war with an undying_ God._ It is I who am unworthy of you! It is one thing to give orders, a thousand miles away. Quite another to be the one risking life and limb to see justice done, and order restored."

"You helped today."

"I should have helped sooner. I should have done more. I will do more, if I can, if you let me."

"I will see you in Rosohna?"

"In Rosohna."

"Soon."

"Good."

He allowed himself a small smile.

But that was all he allowed.

He headed for the door.

Caleb watched him go.

☆☆☆

_Oh Gods, I think I love him. This is real, _

_These feelings are real, and he feels it, too._

_It's not just a game. I'm not just imagining it._

_It's real. All of this is real. _  
  


For five minutes he allowed himself to forget where they were and what they were trying to do, and the very real possibility that he would have to confront his past, and Astrid, and Ikithon, in a few days, or a few months. The very real possibility they were going up against a _god._ If stopping a war had seemed like an impossible goal before... well, they had clearly found a higher mark to aim for.

He waited a few minutes, alone, in the library, surrounding by books he idly scanned in the faint candlelight. He did not feel like going back to bed. Yesterday's fighting had exhausted him, body and soul, but... he wasn't tired for sleep, and when he tried to open a book, he found he couldn't read, either. Defeated, he eventually got up, blew out the candles, and returned to Beauregard's room.

He opened the door and crept inside, to find he wasn't the only one up. Yasha was there, sitting cross-legged, her back against the wall.

Caleb crept over to join her, trying not to wake the others. He sat down across from her on the floor.

"How are you feeling?"

She smiled sadly, shook her head.

"I don't know. There aren't words for how I feel. How _it _feels."

Caleb nodded, then reached out to gently cover her hand. He had never done anything like that before, but... it felt like the right thing to do. She didn't move away, or seem upset, so he left it there.

"It's hard feeling like a puppet in your own body. Just remember you have friends who care about you, and will do everything in our power to ensure nothing like this ever happens again."

"I... _saw _you, all of you, in the Lotus Den, in the King's Cage! You tried to help me, even though I was attacking you! I still can't wrap my head around that."

"We're friends. We look out for each other. I can't speak for the others, but... I know what it's like, to lose control of your body, your mind. I know how terrifying that is, to feel so powerless. That's why I never stopped believing that deep down you were still the Yasha we knew and loved."

"Thanks, Caleb." She answered, quietly, dipping her head. Then she raised a hand, combed it through thick hair that fell in a mix of waves and curls. "But I still feel so lost. I don't know how long it will take before I start feeling the ground beneath my feet. I don't know if I _want_ to."

"Shh. I know, I know." He pulled her in for a hug. "But it's all water under the bridge, right?" He forced a smile, for her benefit.

Yasha smiled back. It looked forced, at first, but it soon reached her eyes.

"I don't know if I've ever seen you smile before," she remarked, as she broke off the hug and pulled away. "Looks like a lot happened while I was away."

"Err, yes, a lot has happened, but I... wouldn't know where to begin. You should ask one of the others when they wake up, Beau or Fjord..."

"I meant _you've _changed. You've started smiling! And I saw the way you sailed in on that gryphon—you looked so heroic!"

"I had to put on a brave face so Essek would stop screaming that I was going to get us both killed."

"I saw you leave with him," she added, looking him over. "Does he make you happy?"

"Today he said he 'didn't want me to die,' I'm over the moon!"

"You always seemed so lonely, before."

"I'm not lonely. I have you guys. I may have failed you once, but I won't let any more devils steal you away."

"I'm more worried the same thing might happen to one of you. I'm glad Obann's gone, but... what if someone else comes to take his place? What if there's more like him?"

"Then we'll stop them, too. I had my own Obann, once, years ago, who also made me do things I regret, terrible things, but... we cannot move forward, unless we focus on the good we can do, now."

"Like saving the world?" She suggested, raising a brow. She still couldn't believe so much had happened while she was away.

"That wouldn't hurt."

Then he kissed her forehead. He wasn't really sure why.

It was just an impulse. He was trusting his instinct to lead him today.  
  
He had to make her see she had friends, know she was cared for. He knew sometimes words weren't enough.

She smiled at him, this lovely woman who could crush him without a moment's hesitation.

"My life is so much better for having known you, and Beau, and Nott, and Jester, and Fjord, and Caduceus. I would never have thought, two years ago, how far I could come. How much good I could do. But here we are, trying to end a war and save the world. I hope, one day, you will feel the same way."

"Thank you, Caleb." A weighted pause. "Do you still have that cat...?" He summoned Frumpkin with a snap of his fingers and passed him to her.

He immediately curled into a ball in her lap. She pet him, and listened to him purr, reverentially.

"Go get some sleep. You'll need your strength if you're going to fight a god."

  
  
☆☆☆

  
  
As soon as they arrived in Rosohna, Caleb made his way to the Lucid Bastion, argued with the guards to let him pass. To his surprise, this time they did. He asked around, once inside, and was quickly directed to Essek's residence. He was glad he was able to sneak away this time and come alone. He knew his friends would berate him with questions he was not yet ready to answer. He knew they still had their doubts about whether or not they should trust Essek, or the Dynasty, at all. But this wasn't a political decision. This was a choice he had made for himself. And it felt good, making choices for himself.

It had started when he arrived in Rosohna, when he was finally far enough away from the Empire, Ikithon, his past, and everything familiar... that he felt some kind of security. He started dressing the way he wanted to. He let his hair grow out. He began learning a new school of magic. He focused on spells which would help his friends, rather than spells which hurt his enemies. He allied himself with the Dynasty, actively worked against the Empire. He did all the things he wasn't supposed to, all the things that went against his training.

He had not expected to fall in love with the enemy, but it was almost poetic that he should, a culmination of all the ways he could spite Ikithon and prove him wrong. If he really _was _what Ikithon made him, he would be no different than that Scourger they interrogated in her cell. He would be just as ruthless, just as heartless, as her. He wouldn't be _capable _of love. He wouldn't be surrounded by friends. He wouldn't have learned how to set down roots and have a home, a family, like the Nein had become to him. He certainly wouldn't be waiting nervously outside the Shadowhand's door.

Eventually, Essek answered it. He clearly hadn't been expecting any visitors. He was dressed down, without his usual mantel or armour of any kind. He looked as if he had just been sleeping, or trancing, or... whatever elves do. Caleb should really have known that, by now, should really have asked.

It was only just beginning to dawn on him how little he knew about Essek, really. He didn't know if he had any family, any pets. He didn't know what he did for fun, what music or food he liked, what books he read when he wasn't conducting 'official research.'

Why he studied magic. Why he became Shadowhand. What that even entailed, beyond looking after them and serving the Bright Queen. He had so much catching up to do.

_"Caleb?"_ Essek had not expected him to return so soon, or to turn up at his door unannounced. But this wasn't the first time. He wouldn't even complain about it being after midnight, because it was Caleb, and he was too glad to see him to be cross.

"I had to see you," he explained.

"And here we are."

"I'm... sorry."

"What is it you're sorry for this time?" Essek asked as he ushered him inside, before closing the door behind him. He had a feeling whatever this visit was about, it wasn't the sort of conversation you have in a crowded hallway.

"I know my friends and I... have been a burden to you, but... what we are up against is so much bigger than two warring nations. If Tharizdun is released... who knows what will happen?"

His voice was shaking. He was nervous. Anyone could see that. Essek gestured to a chair, but Caleb insisted on standing, so they stood.

"A dark thought, indeed. But we will do all in our power to see that does not happen," Essek replied, softly, gently, hoping to quiet his fears.

He had not been idle while the Nein were away. He was doing all he could to check the spread of this cult.

A pause. Caleb was still staring at the ground. Essek pressed forward, raised his chin.

Caleb let him without resistance. Their eyes met. "I'm sorry I doubted you."

"You are in a strange country, surrounded by dangers, assailed on every side by enemies. I should worry for your safety if you were _not c_autious."

He smiled warmly. Caleb smiled back. _Good. _

"I was so relieved when Jester messaged me. It had been so long since I'd heard from you I was afraid... you may have died. In retrospect, perhaps it is for the best you didn't contact me sooner. I mean, really, Caleb... why would you willingly go into a place called_ the Archmage's Bane'_?! Do you have a death wish?!"

"My friends and I are very hard to kill. Nott went down, once, but... we revived her."

Essek's eyes widened, and he slid back a step, away from Caleb.

Instinctively, he reached for him, caught one of his hands.

"Please don't tell me these things. I lose enough sleep over you."

"...Do you?" Caleb shot back, unable to resist seizing so perfect an opportunity.

He smirked. Essek opened his mouth, caught off guard, as Caleb slid forward, placed a hand on his chest.

"_Caleb, _my entire Den live here!" Essek's voice leapt, before leveling out once he regained his footing. "Someone might see us."

"Is that all you're afraid of?" Caleb asked, trailing his hand up his chest and around his neck, drawing down the hovering mage so that hardly any distance stood between them.

"I am... afraid of you, Caleb," Essek admitted, feeling faint. "Afraid of what you came from, what you were, what you could become. Of how powerless you make me feel. But I am more afraid of losing you, without ever having the chance to tell you..."

"Just kiss me already, Essek," Caleb ordered. They had wasted enough time talking. He was tired of talking.

"Ah. Yes."

He kissed him.

"Was that worth the wait?"

"Every moment," Essek answered.

"I will see you again?"

"Please."

"Good. Is your Den always here?"

"My bedroom isn't far," he volunteered, still staring at his lips.

Caleb suddenly broke out into laughter, then kissed him on the nose.

It took Essek by surprise. He pulled back slighty, unsure how to respond.

"I can't believe I'm going to fight a God for you!" Caleb exclaimed, still laughing.

Essek had never heard him laugh before. It was warm, sincere, clear as glass.

Nothing like the forced, stilted laughter he was used to hearing.

"You don't have to. You didn't have to do any of this," Essek pointed out, quietly.

"No," Caleb answered firmly, shaking his head for emphasis. "No, I think Caduceus may have me on the turn. He's got me believing everything happens for a reason. Coming here, meeting you. Siding with the Dynasty. Everything should have gone wrong, but it didn't. That must mean something."

"I suppose it must."

Caleb smiled at him. He smiled back.

Something started purring at Essek's feet, and forcibly dragged his attention back into the room, just as Caleb slid out of his arms to pick up Frumpkin and cradle him. Essek gave a disappointed sigh, ran a hand over Frumpkin's soft head and felt-like ears.

"I can't believe you're making me jealous of a _cat,"_ he droned with a smirk.  
  
He rather liked the fey creature, he just didn't welcome the interruption. Frumpkin did this during lessons, too; forever appearing out of nowhere, at the most inopportune times.

"Would you like a familiar? I can teach you the spell, it's really simple..." he offered, briefly tearing his attention away from Frumpkin as Essek took hold of his arm, started dragging him forward towards the stairs. Frumpkin leapt out of his arms and onto the floor, with a betrayed yowl. Caleb muttered something in Zemnian under his breath, eyes wide, and stumbled after him.  
  
"Thank you for the offer, Caleb, but I'd rather have you keep me warm."

Essek pulled him into another kiss at the foot of the stairs.

"I should really go, my friends will be worried," Caleb mumbled, still flushed and dazed. He hadn't told them where he was going.

Essek looked him over. The tips of his ears had gone as red as his hair. It was very endearing. He ran his fingers over them. Such tiny ears.

How easily he could have lost him for good, in the Folding Halls, or the Lotus Den, or the King's Cage. But he was here, now.

He was alive. He was safe. Nothing else really mattered.

"It serves them right," he declared, smile broadening.

Caleb nodded, happy, breathless.

"I suppose it does."  
  



End file.
